At the porn store, the bachelorette party groups who came in were pretty bad, but the bachelor groups really didn’t bother me.  They would buy inflatable women or animals, like sheep.  One of the blow up dolls was called the Perfect Date. She was only 3 feet tall… perfect for blowjobs, and she had a cup holder for the guy’s beer.

The guys would also usually buy some porn.  Sometimes it would be some regular porn, but often they had fun with it… big girl porn, midget porn, gerontophilia porn (sex with old people), tranny porn, and bend over boys movies.  What’s a bend over boy, you ask?  It’s a guy who bends over and takes it from a girl with a strap on dildo. (I bet you are sorry you asked now.) 

And when bachelor parties, or guys in general go to strip clubs, it’s completely different than when women go to see the guys.  Men at strip clubs are just… quiet.  Guys just sit there with their hard ons and eight dollar drinks and enjoy the scenery. 

On the other hand, women hoot, holler, whistle, and scream.  But I guess I can’t say much… at my bachelorette party, my group did its fair share of noise making.  Oh, and if you go to Diamond Joe’s for the male revue, I highly recommend Dante for a lap dance.  He’s worth way more than any amount of money you could give him… just ask anyone who was there with me that night ;) 

random porn customers | 5 Comments »

When I worked at the porn store, a ton of bachelorette groups would come in to buy stuff. Out of all the customers, I think bachelorette parties were my least favorite… even worse than drag queens. Usually they would buy the stupid veil with the condoms on it, name tags with suggestive names, and the suck-for-a-buck t-shirts, where you suck a candy off the shirt for a dollar. And let’s not forget the penis cups, penis straws, and the 5 foot tall inflatable penis.

Bachelorette parties are also by far the most annoying groups of people in bars. They are loud and obnoxious, but they sure do make it easy for guys to pick them up. The guys I know will find the bride, then find one of her friends and figure out who is the most inebriated. That’s how they decide who to try to take home with them. I think the reasoning is anyone with a penis straw in her mouth is good to go.

I know how annoying a drunken gaggle of girls can be with penis hats on, so for my bachelorette party, I banned all veils, t-shirts with stupid slogans or candy on them, and all penis-shaped paraphernalia. And we didn’t go to a bar, we went to a strip club. And you know what? It felt pretty good getting a lap dance from a mostly naked man without having a stupid veil with penises attached on top of my head.

random porn customers | 7 Comments »

The porn store I worked at carried a lot of large stripper shoe sizes for the drag queens in the area. And let me tell you, they could be bitchier than real women. The drag queens would often come to the store in groups, and most would have attitude and expect me to wait on them hand and foot. And if you know me, you know that ain’t gonna happen.

First, they would want me to get out every pair of shoes and boots we had in size 12 and 13. Here I have to give them some props… stripper shoes are uncomfortable enough if they are the right size, but most of the time, these guys were shoving their feet into shoes that were at least a size too small. Sometimes it can hurt to be a beautiful bitch.

After I got out the shoes, they would try them on and strut around like they were supermodels. They wanted me to tell them which shoes looked the best. Usually I would point out one pair, and at least two of the drag queens would roll their eyes at me. Apparently, my taste was a bit sedate for their flamboyant style. But really, it didn’t matter what shoes I pointed to… they would have rolled their eyes at me anyway. They made it out like I was a woman… and I just couldn’t understand women’s shoes. Go figure.

Not all of the drag queens were bitchy, but most of them were. I mean, I can be bitchy, but not that bad… well, not until a drag queen gets in my face and pisses me off. One time, one yelled at me about something and called me fat, and I finally said, “Look bitch, my ass may be bigger than yours, but at least my tits are real.” We all got a good laugh out of it. After that, most of them were a lot nicer to me. I guess I just had to show them that a real woman could be just as much of a bitch as any old drag queen.

random porn customers | 2 Comments »

So I used to hit the strip clubs with some of my coworkers at the porn store. One time we went out to the Million Dollar Fantasy Ranch to see Elizabeth Hilden, 1997 Penthouse Pet of the Year. My coworkers and I would always try to dress stripper-cute for the strip clubs… little tops, short skirts, stripper heels… and this time was no exception. I wore a tiny top that zipped up the side, a black miniskirt, and platform heels.

We watched the dancers until the main attraction. Then Elizabeth Hilden came out to do her thing. My coworkers and I went to the stage to give her some tips. When I tried to give her my money, she told me to wait a minute. Then she pulled me up on stage and said, “I’m going to take your top off now, is that okay?” I mentioned to her that I didn’t have a bra on. She smiled at me and said, “I don’t think the audience will mind.” Then she unzipped my top, eventually had me lay down on the stage, and climbed on top of me.

Well, for the rest of the night, I had guys coming up to me and giving me tips. And one of the guys with us kept saying, “Are you sure you are not a stripper?” I had to tell him that I work in a library during the day, and a porn store at night, not a strip club.

random porn customers | 3 Comments »

When I worked at the porn store, customers frequently asked for porn movies with famous people in them. This was when sex tapes were getting really big, like the one with Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee, and Tommy’s huge penis.

For the hell of it, I searched the internet for a list of famous people who have been in porn, to no avail. So I made a list of actors, actresses, musicians, and celebutantes I could think of who have been in porn movies….

Porn Cameos (non sex roles)

Mark McGrath (Sugar Ray) - “Backstage Sluts” series
Eve 6 - “Backstage Sluts” series
Insane Clown Posse - “Backstage Sluts” series
Jonathan Davis (Korn) - “Backstage Sluts” series
Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit) - “Backstage Sluts” series
Lemmy (Motorhead) - “Backstage Sluts” series
Snoop Dogg - “Doggystyle”
Lil Jon - “Vivid Vegas Party”
50 Cent - “Groupie Love”

Porn Movies

Jackie Chan - “All in the Family” [submitted by Death’s Door]
Sylvester Stallone - “Party at Kitty and Stud’s”
Scotty Schwartz (A Christmas Story) - “Still Insatiable”
Evan Seinfeld (Biohazard) - “Reign of Tera” (with wife Tera Patrick)
Ben Davidson (former NFL Oakland Raider) - “Behind the Green Door”
Dave Nelson (former NFL running back and American Gladiator ‘Titan’) - “Backfield in Motion”

Sex Tapes: Musicians

Tommy Lee (Motley Crue) and Pamela Anderson
Bret Michaels (Pretty boy from Poison) and Pamela Anderson
Vince Neil (tubby singer of Motley Crue)
Fred Durst (again… for pity’s sake, no one wants to see him have sex)
Usher (and two girls having sex to TLC song… he was dating band member Chili at the time)
R. Kelly (with an underage girl… hey she looked 18!)
Eve (rapper)
Trina (rapper)
Madonna and Vanilla Ice (or so he says)
Kid Rock and Scott Stapp from Creed (with 4 groupies in a bus… down by the river)

Sex Tapes: Actors and Actresses

Rob Lowe (seriously officer, both girls said they were 18)
Colin Farrell (and Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain)
Gena Lee Nolin (one of the many blondes on Baywatch)
Tom Sizemore (8 hour sex tape… damn)
Steve Guttenburg (3 Men and a Baby)
Kelsey Grammer (hey, I ain’t making this shit up)
Dustin Diamond (Saved By the Bell)

Sex Tapes: Athletes

O.J. Simpson (with two prostitutes)
Chyna and X Pac (former WWF wrestlers)
Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly (of Nancy Kerrigan knee-capping fame)

Sex Tapes: Famous Why?

Paris Hilton and Rick Salomon (Shannen Doherty’s husband at the time)
Paris Hilton, Playboy Playmate Nicole Lenz, and former MTV VJ Simon Rex
Jordan (aka Katie Price, aka the British model with the huge rack)
Abi Titmuss (British personality - her name makes me giggle)
Keely Hazell (Page 3 model)
Kim Kardashian (socialite)
Bam Margera (of Jackass fame)

If you can think of anyone else famous who has been in porn, or random trivia, let me know and I’ll add them to the list. It’s always nice to know of celebrities who are dumb enough to have sex on tape for posterity’s sake.

random porn customers, road trips | 3 Comments »

I used to get some odd requests at the porn store. There were the customers who wanted threesomes, phone sex, or sex on the store counter. But the one request that I got more than any other? “Can you try on this piece of lingerie for me?”

Usually this line started out with a guy wanting to buy lingerie for his wife or girlfriend. Of course, most of the time, he would tell me that I’m the same size as his wife. So the guy would have me help pick out some lingerie… and then it would come… he would ask me to try it on to see what it would look like on his wife or girlfriend.

I could always see it coming, and no matter what how I said no, the guy would invariably offer me money to try on whatever he picked out. If I had all the money that every guy offered me for this, I’d have paid my car off a long time ago. One guy offered me 500 bucks cash… he even showed it to me… just to try on a damn nightie.

But I never said yes. Once I’m in the lingerie… what’s next? Is he going to ask me if I can give him a blowjob? Or jack him off on the lingerie? Of course he is. I’m not stupid. Plus, I have no interest in showing my ass in a thong to some random guy in a store that is badly lit.

random porn customers | 2 Comments »