You know how porn stars retire, only to return to the business a few months later with upsized boobs? Well, let’s call this a porn star retirement from my blog. I’ll still update on Twitter as wellhellchell. And when I’m ready to write more than 140 characters at a time, I’ll return to this blog… just not with bigger boobs.

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Today is Greg Beck’s 50th birthday, and this would have been a big celebration weekend for him. Greg always updated his blog with his birthday adventures, and here’s my favorite of his birthday posts:

I’ll make this quick and dirty. Friday night after work I went out to celebrate my birthday. Michelle, Raven, Bottle, Rusty, Mito, and various other people joined me. Here are some things I remember.
1. Doing shots with Mito.
2. Doing shots with Bottle.
3. Doing shots with Michelle.
4. Doing shots.
5. Drunkenly talkin to Carrie and Harper about doing a threesome and watching Carrie nip up. (she took it surprisingly well)
6. Watchin Springer and yakking at the hot lesbians sitting at the bar.
7. Coming home and talking Cassie’s ear off.
8. So hung over that the best I could do all day Saturday was sit on the couch and watch ten hours of the science fiction channel

And here are the things I don’t remember.
1. Driving home.
2. Doing shots.
3. Confessing my drunken love to all my friends.
4. Coming home and waking Cassie out of bed and telling her because she’s my roommate now, I can’t, won’t, hit on her any more.
5. My tab.
6. Walkin Michelle to her car and trying to talk her into flashing me and pressing her tits up against the window.

And the number one thing I don’t remember.
1. Sitting in the Cane tonight with Cassie and Michelle and listening as two Westport cops told me that I was so drunk that I asked for their guns so I could off whitey. God truly loves and watches out for the insane. Word.

posted by Greg Beck at Sunday, December 08, 2002

So kids, if you get out this weekend, have a drink for Greg…just don’t ask any cops for their guns to off whitey.

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• I read this today: “Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.”

• When you can’t kill the stupid people, multiple martinis help.

• My friend IT Chickie would say multiple olives in the martinis also help.

• Just don’t drink so much that you have to go to rehab.

• I’m not sure who is crazier on Celebrity Rehab… Jeff Conaway or Gary Busey.

• Hmm, I fear it is not such a good idea to tell people I watch Celebrity Rehab.

• Gary Busey’s thoughts on fear: “Fear is the darkroom where the Devil develops his negatives.”

• Um, I think Gary Busey wins the crazy contest.

• Speaking of devils, for Halloween I was an angel and my friend Kelsey was a devil.

• Almost everyone preferred the devil.

• Speaking of crazy devils… Planet Rusty is back. I wonder if he knows what he has in common with XO… I’m not telling.

• Gary Busey, XO, devils, and rehab all in one post. Hmm, maybe I need to cut back on the martinis.

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Last week I walked into a convenience store to get some coffee… okay, and maybe a doughnut… and heard this conversation between a woman and the clerk behind the counter:

Woman: Do you have Grand Marnier?

Clerk: No, but we have some Hennessy.

Woman: Um, it’s not the same thing.

Clerk: But you can drink Hennessy anytime! You can drink it on your birthday. You can drink it on your kid’s birthday.  You can drink it on Jesus’ birthday. 

Woman: Yeah, well, um… I’m just going to go now.

After she left, the clerk said to a guy standing by the counter, “Grand Marnier? What the hell is that?

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My license plates came up for renewal, and today I finally made the trek to the DMV. I like the Grandview DMV because I can always expect good people-watching… and today was no exception.

When I got to the DMV, I got a number and took a seat. A couple was seated near me with their young son. The kid said he wanted McDonald’s just as a large older woman in a wheelchair cruised into the room. The woman in the wheelchair turned to the kid and said, “Do you deserve McDonald’s? Have you been a good kid, or have you been acting like a fool?”

I had no idea why she would say something like that to a stranger, and neither did the mother. She got up in the face of the woman in the wheelchair and said “Who you calling a fool? You don’t call my kid a fool. You better apologize.” Then the dad got in the face of the wheelchair-bound woman, while the mom was urging him to “do something” to this disabled woman.

The woman in the wheelchair wasn’t backing down. I finally turned to a woman behind the counter and said, “Is he really going to beat up a handicapped woman in the DMV?” She shrugged her shoulders and replied, “At least the police are downstairs if it happens.”

Entertainment like that is exactly why I go to the Grandview DMV.

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Well, our house finally sold, and we are moving to the house we wanted this weekend, starting today. So if your bored this weekend, you can always stop by and help ; )

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I ventured to Sunfresh in Westport a few nights ago to pick up a few things. I was in the produce section when a guy walked up to me and said, “Excuse me, do you have any food allergies?”

I thought it was weird, but I told him no, and asked why. He said, “It’s good to know when I take you out to dinner on our first date.”

Pretty bad, huh? So what our some of your favorite bad pick up lines? I know The D will have a few for us :)-

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I flew to DC on 9/11 and came back to KC the next day. Homeland Security national threat advisory was at orange, or high. And guess what I got through security at two airports?

A screwdriver. I had a full-size screwdriver in my carry-on luggage, and I didn’t even know it was there. Neither airport caught it.  It’s great to know our airport security is taking such good care of us.

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I’ve had a string of white trash run-ins lately. It started with a camping trip,  then Walmart, and yesterday it continued in a McDonalds drive-thru. I pulled into line for breakfast, and the guy in the car ahead of me honked at the car in front of him. I guess the woman in that car didn’t pull around fast enough for this guy.  The woman put her head out the window, and said, “Fuck you, you fucking idiot.”

I couldn’t hear the guy’s response, but it made the woman get out of her car. She walked to his car window and yelled, “I’m getting married next week, and you’ll never find someone as good as me.” His response? “I feel sorry for the guy marrying your dumb ass.”

Did I mention that the guy had his hair spiked up like a porcupine and his car had vanity plates? And the woman had on a 90’s combo of biker shorts/oversized t-shirt, and looked like she had a meth habit?

Um, I really need to start hanging out at better places.

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Sunday I went out to lunch and sat next to my worst nightmare… a bunch of teen girls from a church youth group. Believe what you want to believe, but church is my own personal hell. I can say that because I’m the product of private Christian schooling… scary, isn’t it?

So I was sitting near these girls and their youth group leader, and they starting talking about their future wedding nights. They were saying sex would hurt on their wedding nights, but it would be a good kind of hurt because they’d be giving themselves to their husbands.

Give me a damn break. Most of these girls won’t be virgins on their wedding nights. Hell, most of them won’t be virgins after their first year of college. But lucky for the church girls, I wasn’t in the mood to burst their bubbles…or cherries.

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